


before all hell breaks loose

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Badass Ben Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves' Tentacles | Bentacles, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Time Travel, badass klaus hargreeves, everyone is confused and stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Nobody could say that the Avengers had always been the most put together team on the planet, but at least they were doing better than these dysfunctional assholes.basically a very self-indulgent marvel/umbrella academy crossover because no one else has done itTitle Credit: Exit Music (For a Film) by Radiohead





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll add more tags as I go! Enjoy :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that in this chapter, "Vanya" is not Umbrella Academy Vanya, it's Bucky Barnes. I headcanon Vanya as the name he was given when he was captured as the Winter Soldier. This won't cause any confusion in later chapters, as most of this story takes place after he breaks his brainwashing.

**August 1987**

They had been at it for hours, but the kid hadn’t budged. He was sitting calmly in the chair he was tied to, smirking up at Vanya like he had  _ won  _ something. To his credit, though, he  _ was  _ winning. Natalia and Vanya had never interrogated anyone for so long.  _ The goddamn Winter Soldier and Black Widow, _ Natalia thought,  _ and a thirteen-year-old is actually getting the best of us.  _ Then again, he clearly wasn’t actually thirteen. It’s not like anyone would ever guess that she and Vanya were in their late fifties.

“You guys are good, I will admit. No one has ever caught me before,” the kid said. “But I’ll take a wild guess that you’ve never had such a hard time interrogating someone, and I’ll tell you right now that it’s not going to get any easier. Why don’t you just cut your losses and let me go?”

Vanya narrowed his eyes and stomped forward, but Natalia beat him to it, grabbing the kid by his collar and lifting him and the chair almost two feet off the ground.

“That would be merciful, wouldn't it?” she said. “But mercy is for children, so you’re going to tell me what I want to know or I’m going to start pulling teeth.”

“They’re just baby teeth, anyway,” the kid said and shrugged.

“Give me the pliers,” Natalia said, and Vanya handed her the pair from his backpack. She gripped the kid’s jaw and forced his mouth open, and then she shoved the pliers into his mouth and ripped out one of his canine teeth. “Who do you work for?”

When she let go of his face, he just laughed and spit blood onto the ground.

“Her majesty, the Queen.” His voice was dry, and Natalia slammed the chair back onto the ground. She grabbed his face again and pulled out another tooth.

“Who are you, and why have you been interfering in our missions?”   


“Well, Natalia, it’s really quite simple. I’m not sure what you don’t understand.” Natalia’s jaw went slack, and she took a step back.  _ How the hell does he know that?  _ She looked back at Vanya, and his eyes were wide. When she looked back at the kid, he was watching Vanya over her shoulder, blood pouring down his chin. “And Bucky Barnes. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be kicking ass with Captain America?” Vanya looked like he was floundering for words. “Then again, I guess it’s all part of the timeline.”

Vanya’s eye twitched and the plates in his arm whirred and clicked as he clenched his hand into a fist.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” he asked. “You must have a bad informant.”

“Sure I do, buddy.” Vanya wound up his arm, but Natalia stopped him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she whispered harshly. Vanya looked at her with shiny eyes, and she frowned. “He’s just trying to wind you up. We just have to get this job done, okay? Focus. Maybe we’re doing this all wrong. I have an idea.” She turned around to face the kid, a devilish glint in her eyes. “So, kid, what’s the deal with the mannequin?”

She picked up the mannequin and held it at arm’s length.

“Don’t fucking touch her,” the kid hissed, and Natalia grinned.

“Why don’t you tell me what I want to know, then,” she said. “Let’s start real simple. What’s in the briefcase?”   


“Why don’t you open it and find out.” Natalia narrowed her eyes, but she nodded at Vanya, and he slid it across the floor.

“You open it,” she said, untying the kids hands and taking a step back. The kid knelt on the floor, but he looked back up at them before opening the case.

“You know I’m going to escape, right?” he said. “And Delores is coming with me.”

“We’ll catch you,” Natalia said, and then she found herself being kicked square in the chest and flying across the room. She looked up in shock as Vanya lunged at the kid before going flying back as well.

“You’ll never find me.” He unlatched the case, and it emitted a bright blue light. “I’m not even born yet.”

He was gone before Natalia could stand again.

**

**January 2019**

“Wade, if you don’t stop pointing that katana at my face, I swear to God…” Peter held up his hand to Wade without even looking up from the tracker on his watch.

“Aw, c’mon, Spidey! I’m bored. I don’t have all that fancy Stark tech to keep me occupied. That’s what I have your sweet ass for!”

“I should find out if he’s going to that gala at the MoMA tonight,” Peter muttered to himself, watching as the red dot on the tracker moved down a side street in the Bronx. “What the hell is he doing in the Bronx?”

“Do you think Allison Hargreeves will be at the gala?” Wade asked dreamily. “Vanessa and I have always wanted to have a threesome with her.”

“Ew,” Peter said, crinkling his nose. “Go bother Daredevil.”

“But I wanna bother  _ you _ , baby boy.” Wade pouted, and Peter rolled his eyes.

“I’m busy. I have to go find out why Norman Osborn is lurking around in the Bronx.”

“Take me with you!” Wade called after Peter as he shot a web at the next building and swung away.

-

As it turned out, Norman Osborn was  _ not  _ lurking around in some seedy neighborhood in the Bronx on a Saturday afternoon. Some stumbling junkie in a colorful crop top and leather pants was carrying Norman’s phone into a pawn shop. Before he could open the front door, Peter shot a web at his back and reeled him into the alley.

“Where did you get that?!” he asked.

“Whoa, so aggressive. Let’s get to know each other first,” the man said, and his voice was  breathy and high-pitched. “It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Klaus; and you are?”

_ Oh, great,  _ Peter thought.  _ I don’t have time for another Wade. _

“Who am I?! Have you been living under a rock?”

“Rehab, actually.” The guy - Klaus - looked over at the empty air beside him. “You know, I told Diego it would be a waste of time, so this really isn’t my fault… Shut your pie hole, Ben!... Said with love.” He blew a kiss at the empty air then looked back at Peter. “My brother says I shouldn’t be trying to buy drugs right out of rehab, but he was always the dumb sibling. Well, other than Luther.” He looked back at the empty air. “You’re not as dumb as Luther, I promise.” When he faced Peter again, he jumped. “Whoa! Did you have a partner before, or have I been sober too long?!”

Peter swiveled to look where Klaus was looking, and he groaned loudly.

“I told you not to fucking follow me,” he said, glaring at Wade. “Jesus Christ, is it Annoy Spiderman Day?”

“Whoa, Spidey! Language!” Wade threw a hand over his heart as if he were actually scandalized. “What would Cap say?”

“Well, I guess you really wouldn’t know, would you? He hates you.” Peter turned to find Klaus preparing to pop a pill and smacked it out of his hand. He snatched the phone from his other hand and held it up in front of his face. “Look, I just need to know where you got this.”

“Pick-pocketed it from some creep on Fifth Ave.” Klaus shrugged, and Peter rolled his eyes.

“Right, useless,” he said. “Come on, Wade, let’s go.”

“Hey, where you go, I follow, baby boy,” Wade sing-songed. “You’re a damn good pickpocket, by the way. You got a future, kid.”

Just as Peter and Wade turned to leave, a man dressed in all black with a knife harness turned down the alley.

“Shit, Klaus, there you are. Come on, family meeting.” The guy narrowed his eyes at Wade and Peter. “Who are you?”

“Does your whole family live under a rock?!” Peter asked Klaus, exasperated, and then he turned toward the new guy. “Spiderman, pleasure to meet you, we were just leaving.”   


“I’m really into the knives,” Wade yelled back as they walk away. “Call me sometime!”


	2. Chapter 2

**January 2019**

Klaus screamed his throat raw, but nobody came.  _ Where the hell is that spider freak now? _ he thought. He didn’t even think about his siblings coming to save him, because the concept was so beyond laughable. His eyes darted nervously around the dark closet, and his wrists stung where they'd chafed against the rope tying them together.

"No one can hear you, Klaus," Ben said, and Klaus wondered what the hell he was still doing here. "You know what the worst part of being dead is? You're stuck. Nowhere to go, nowhere to change. That's the real torture, if you must know. Watching your brother taking for granted everything you lost, and pissing it all away."

Klaus shut his eyes tightly as a hot tear rolled down his cheek.  _ So why do you stick around with me? _ he wanted to say, but even if his mouth hadn't been taped, he wouldn't have said it. He didn't want Ben to wake up one day and realize that Klaus wasn't worth his time, even if he was dead.

Klaus' chest heaved and his whole body trembled. This was surely the lowest he had ever been.  _ Just need a fix, _ he thought.  _ If I could just fucking get out of here, I could find something to pawn for some goddamn drugs. _ His heart pounded even faster as he thought of all the pills crushed under his captors' feet.  _ What a waste. _

He heard the door open, and he heard his captors bickering before the closet door opened. The woman's eyes widened.

"Holy shit! He's still here!" the man said, and they hauled him out of the closet.

-

Peter was working on a design for the new model of his suit on the monitor on Tony's workbench. He was moving things around on the screen when a map popped up with a blinking dot marking a location in Kensington.

"Uh, Mr. Stark?" he said, swiveling around in his chair. Tony rolled out on his dolly from under the car he was tinkering with.

"What's up?" he asked. He sat up and reached for a rag to wipe the grease from his hands. Peter pointed at the screen, and Tony stood up and walked over.

"What's that?" Peter asked.

"Huh," Tony said. He reached for the mouse and clicked on the location signal, which revealed a script that Peter couldn't understand. "It's a weird energy signature. Could be Chitauri tech."

A moment later, the dot disappeared.

"Should we go?" Peter asked, eyes lighting up. His last mission had been when he planted that tracker on Norman Osborn's phone a week before, and look what had come from that. Tony looked at his watch and frowned.

"No, kid, it's late, and it's a school night. I think Natasha is around here somewhere. We'll go check it out."

"But, Mr. Stark," Peter whined, and Tony laughed.

"Oh, don't give me that. Happy was about to take you home anyway, and besides, this is just a plainclothes mission. I'm sure it's nothing too exciting."

Peter reluctantly grumbled his agreement and started shoving his things back into his bag.

-

"Nat!" Tony said as he entered the kitchen. "There you are. I tried calling you. I need you for a mission."

Natasha didn't look up. She had a bottle of olive oil and a cotton swab, and she was oiling the hinges of one of her pocket knives.

"I was busy," she said. "What's the mission?"

"We might have some Chitauri tech in Kensington. I could use some backup to go check it out."

Natasha tossed the cotton swab in the trash and flipped her knife closed.

"Okay, let's go."

-

"He's kind of adorable like this," Luther mused after tucking Five into bed in Diego's apartment.  _ 'If this is what you call an apartment,' _ Luther had said the first time he had seen it.

"Almost makes you forget what a massive asshole he is," Diego agreed. There was a knock on the door, and he and Luther shared an apprehensive look. He pulled a knife from his thigh holster and tiptoed to the door, inching it open.

"If you throw another knife at me, I'll evict you!"

"Jesus Christ." Diego breathed out and opened the door wide. "What do you want?"

"You know, I'm not your secretary. Some girl called; wanted you to meet her at that shitty motel off Church in Kensington."

"How long ago was that? Did she give you a name?!" Diego asked, feeling far more alert.

"Maybe thirty minutes ago? Said her name was.... Blotch, maybe."

"Patch?!"

"Sure."

"Did she say why she called?"

"She said she found your brother."

"Well that can't be right." Diego narrowed his eyes, but then he realized. "Klaus. Shit."

Diego ran all the way to his car.

-

Tony and Natasha wandered the radius of the location given on the map, but they didn't find anything until they reached a shady motel off Church Street. There were cop cars parked everywhere, and they shared a look before approaching the nearest officer.

"What happened here?" Natasha asked, flashing her S.H.I.E.L.D. badge. The officer looked back at them, confused.

"I'm not sure what S.H.I.E.L.D. wants with this case, but an officer was killed here, about half an hour ago. Officer Eudora Patch with the NYPD 23rd precinct."

"What was she doing all the way in Brooklyn?" Tony's brow furrowed.

"Best guess, it had something to do with an ex-boyfriend she's been hanging around with a lot lately. Thinks he's some kind of superhero." The officer narrowed his eyes at them. "I'm sorry, but what is S.H.I.E.L.D.'s concern with this?"

"It's actually Avengers business," Tony said. "Can you tell me what the cause of death was?"

"Well, they haven't run an autopsy yet but her only injury is a bullet wound through the back.

Tony and Natasha shared a frustrated look.  _ Just a normal gunshot wound, _ they both thought.  _ What a bust. _

"Thank you, officer. We'll be in touch," Natasha lied, and she and Tony walked away.

"Well, that was a bust," Tony said. He pulled up the holographic display on his watch, but the map was still blank. Just before he could suggest they call it a day, the signal popped back up just a couple blocks away. "Holy shit, we got it! Let's go."

They ran until they reached the location marked by the signal, but there was no creep with a giant ray gun. Instead, across the empty street, there was a man in a ratty military vest tossing a briefcase and sinking to his knees. He sobbed into his hands, and then fell to the ground, curled up in fetal position.

Surely enough, though, the signal on the map had grown stronger, and it grew even stronger still when the briefcase went up in flames before disappearing entirely. Tony and Natasha both bolted across the street. She pulled her gun from its holster while Tony knelt beside the man and shook him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, and the man's voice sounded raw through loud, screaming sobs. He didn't answer, and then Tony saw that his entire front side was drenched in blood. "Shit, we gotta get him to a hospital."

"No," Natasha said firmly, and Tony found her gaze fixed on the umbrella tattoo on the boy's left wrist. "We should take him back to the tower. I can call Helen Cho. I've seen that tattoo before, and that briefcase."

"Do you think he's a threat?" Tony asked, eyes darting incredulously between Natasha and the man, who was shaking like a leaf and couldn't have weighed more than a hundred and thirty pounds. He had a thousand-yard stare that rivaled even Steve's, and tears were falling in waves down his cheeks.

"Not necessarily, but we definitely need answers."

"Fine, call Cho. We need to get moving, though. Let's get him to the car."


	3. Chapter 3

When Klaus regained consciousness, he felt nauseous and confused. He couldn't remember losing it in the first place. All he could remember was that he had watched Dave die, and then he had re-appeared on a city bus. He had stumbled off and crumpled into a shivering heap on cold pavement, and now he was lying in a hospital bed in a room that was way more upscale than any hospital room he had ever been in.

He hadn't even been high, so how had he ended up in the hospital? He shook violently as he lay in the empty room, and he felt moments away from vomiting all over himself. He was in the worst of withdrawals. The IV in his arm wasn't morphine, then. Just saline. Klaus felt tears rolling down his cheeks, and he shut his eyes tight against the too-bright light of the room. Ben was nowhere to be found. He hadn't accompanied Klaus on his year-long jaunt to the sixties, and Klaus thought, for one hysterical moment, _What if he doesn't know where to find me?_

He forced himself to not think it again. He needed Ben, and that meant that he had to come back eventually. Klaus knew it was a childish line of reasoning, but it was what he needed to relax even the tiniest bit.

He heard voices approaching from outside the door.

"He could be dangerous. There was this mission, back in the 80s..." The woman's voice trailed off as she opened the door and found Klaus sitting up, staring around the room with disoriented, leaking eyes. She was accompanied by a woman in white and green scrubs, a tall, bald man with a smug and vaguely threatening smile, a woman with grey hair and kind eyes, and Tony Stark.

Klaus couldn't even bring himself to be starstruck. The woman in scrubs barely made it to him with a trashcan in time for him to retch a mixture of stomach acid and scotch that burned his throat on the way up.

The worst part was that he was sober now, which brought with it a challenge he hadn't faced in over a decade: any of them could have been dead, and he had no way of knowing. Well, the doctor was still holding the trash can with very much corporeal hands, but other than her, any of them could have been ghosts.

God, he wished he had Ben.

-

"We shouldn't meet without Klaus," Diego grumbled, pacing anxiously. "He could be dead by now."

"We can worry about Klaus later." Five chewed on his thumbnail as he spoke. His voice was frenzied, eyes just a bit wild around the edges. He looked as though he hadn't slept in days. "You might want to settle in, because this is going to take a while."

"Would you just spit it out?!" Diego hissed.

"Diego," Luther admonished, and Diego almost lunged for him.

"Okay, break up the cat fight." Five frowned. "When I went into the future, I saw the apocalypse."

No one spoke for a long moment, and then they all spoke at once.

“How the hell did that happen?” Diego.

“Are you sure?” Allison.

“Why are you telling us this?” Luther. “You said you jumped forty-five years into the future. How are we supposed to stop something that won’t happen for another half a century?”

“Okay, one at a time!” Five shouted. “And no, I said I was in the future for forty-five years. I jumped seventeen years into the future, but the apocalypse is going to begin in two days. We have to stop it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Diego grumbled.

“It would if you were smarter.” Five took a sip of his coffee, and Luther had to hold Diego back from lunging at him.

“Okay, hey!” Allison shouted, getting between Five and Diego. “Let’s calm down. We’re all on edge, okay? We all want to find Klaus, and we’re all trying to process what Five just told us. How are we supposed to stop the apocalypse? Do we even know how it’s going to happen?”

“I’m perfectly calm,” Five said, and Diego struggled against Luther’s grip again with his teeth bared. “All I know is that it starts with something called the Decimation. Half of all life is turned to dust. I could only find one newspaper with any information about it, but I don’t know how it happens or how long we have after that before everyone dies.”

“And where were we when this happened?” Vanya asked quietly, speaking up for the first time since the meeting started. Five looked at her for a moment, but he couldn’t hold her gaze. Instead, he looked down at the ground.

“You all died,” he said, frowning into his coffee mug. They all started talking at the same time again, shouting over each other until he cut them off. “We need to form a plan of attack!” he shouted. “Okay? We need to find out what causes the Decimation, and we need to stop it, and that means we need to find Klaus. We need the full force of the Academy to even begin to fight it.”

“Aren’t the Avengers supposed to deal with this kind of thing?” Vanya asked, and Five cocked his head, confused.

“Who the hell are the Avengers?” he asked.

“That’s right.” Diego laughed. “You were already gone when they formed. The Avengers are the Earth’s _real_ superheroes. You know, the kind not raised by a monster of a father in a hell house. Tony Stark, Iron Man? Captain America? Black Widow? Ring any bells?”

“Wait, wait, wait, back up!” Five said. “Did you just say Black Widow? As in _the_ Black Widow? The assassin?”

“I don’t think we’re talking about the same person,” Diego said. “Anyway, we don’t have time for this. You said it yourself; we need to find Klaus. Let’s go!”

Before anyone can respond, the phone starts ringing, and Diego wrestles free from Luther’s grip to run for it.

-

“Hey,” the woman with grey hair said gently while the rest of the people in the room ignored Klaus and whispered amongst themselves. No one even noticed as she broke away from the group to sit by Klaus’ side on the bed, so he knew she was dead. “It’s good that you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

Klaus’ lip wobbled, and his heart felt empty. Tears hadn’t stopped falling from his eyes, and he just wanted to go back again and save Dave. He shouldn’t have destroyed the briefcase.

“I feel like shit,” he told her, laughing bitterly. She reached out as if to run a hand through his hair, but her hand travelled right through him, and she looked disappointed. He still leaned into the intangible gesture, the same way he used to when Mom came to his room at night before he slept. “What do they want from me?”

Everyone in the room looked at him like he was crazy. The redhead narrowed her eyes analytically.

“They won’t hurt you,” the ghost said. “My name is Maria. That one over there, in the suit,” she pointed at Stark, “is my son. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. They just want to ask you some questions.”

“About what? What happened?” Klaus asked.

“You had a briefcase that Natasha, my son’s teammate, said was special somehow. After you came off the bus, they brought you back here so they could figure out what it is.”

The woman remained where she was, but she stopped speaking when the doctor approached the bed.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Doctor Helen Cho. You went into shock earlier, so Mr. Stark and Natasha,” she gestured at Stark and the redheaded woman, “brought you here to make sure you were okay. Do you remember what happened?” Klaus didn’t answer, and she smiled. “That’s okay. Can you tell me your name?”

Klaus just stared at her like a deer in the headlights, and Stark stepped forward. Klaus looked at the ghost for reassurance, and she just nodded and smiled at him.

“I’m Tony,” Stark said. “I promise we don’t want to hurt you. We just have some questions for you. We can even call someone for you if you want. Can you just tell me your name?”

“Klaus,” Klaus croaked. “Can you please call my brother?”

“Can you give me his number?”

-

“Hello?” Diego answered the phone, and his siblings all stared at him like he had grown a second head. They expected the frantic tone of voice he was using now when it came to issues relating to Mom, but never anyone else. Never _Klaus_. They had been close enough as children, but they all assumed he had thrown his familial relationships to the wind when he moved out. “Klaus?!”

“Is this Diego Hargreeves?” A voice answered that definitely did _not_ belong to Klaus, and the look on Diego’s face was murderous. He pulled one of the knives from his belt as if on instinct and began spinning it in his hand.

"If you don't put my brother on the phone in half a second, I'm going to find you and I’m going to cut your trachea out,” he growled, and the whole family could hear the laugh that came from the other end of the line. It put them all on the defensive, and Five stomped up to Diego to snatch the phone from his hand.

“There’s nothing funny about this, asshole,” he hissed. “Do you have him or not?”

“Relax, tough guy,” the man on the other end said. “This isn’t a hostage situation. Your brother is right here, and he’s fine, but he’d like to speak to Diego if that’s alright with you.”

Five narrowed his eyes and passed the phone back to Diego. Meanwhile, Vanya and Allison were strategizing. Five heard Vanya mutter about _‘Do you think your rumor thing works over the phone?’_

“This is Diego,” Diego said, and then Klaus’ voice came over the phone, loud and clear. He sounded distressed, and Diego grew even more tense, if that was possible.

“Hey,” Klaus said, and his voice cracked. “I wondered how long it would take before you realized I was gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Klaus,” Diego said, voice saturated with hurt. He had never felt so guilty. “Where are you? Did they hurt you?”

“No,” Klaus said. He laughed, but it sounded more like a sob. “Your girlfriend… the cop. She saved my life. I should be the one apologizing.”

Diego shut his eyes and didn’t answer for a long time. When he did, his voice was rough.

“Why didn’t you come home?” he asked. “Where are you?”

“It’s a long story. I’m actually at Stark Tower right now. Do you wanna stop by? It’s gonna be a party.” Somehow, it didn’t sound like he found anything he was saying that funny.

“You’re at… Stark Tower,” Diego said, brow furrowed. “What the fuck, Klaus?”

“Come on, man. You know I don’t have any other ride. Can you please just come get me, and I’ll explain later?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m on my way.”

Diego hung up and shared a deeply confused look with his siblings. Five was the first to spring back into action. He snagged Diego’s car keys from the coffee table.

“You said Stark. Is that the same as the one on the Avengers?” he asked, and Diego nodded dumbly. “Okay, then we’re all going. We need to have a chat with him.”


	4. Chapter 4

The lobby of Stark Tower was big and modern,  _ and goddamn confusing,  _ Diego thought. There were elevators in front of him and on both of his sides, and he realized that he had no idea where he was going in the first place. He and the others had all come in planning on being as menacing as possible, but Five, Vanya, Luther, and Allison all stood at his flanks looking equally as disoriented as he felt.

_ Jesus Christ, _ Diego thought.  _ As if navigating  _ one  _ ridiculously overlarge living compound wasn't enough. _

"You must be Klaus Hargreeves' family." A friendly voice came from behind, and Diego turned around to find a blonde woman in a business suit approaching them. "Tony is expecting you. If you follow me, I'll lead you to the private elevator."

"And you are?" Five asked harshly. The woman just smiled at him.

"My name is Pepper Potts. I'm the CEO of Stark Industries, but Tony also likes to send me to clean up his interpersonal messes, so I'm sort of like the head of HR as well."

She chuckled quietly at her own joke, and her heels clicked on the laminate as she began to walk away. Diego shared a look with his siblings before they followed her to an elevator that she activated with a key card. Once they were inside, it was silent for a long moment before Allison spoke up, voice confident and demanding. No one would guess it, but she loved Klaus with a fierce protectiveness, and Diego knew beyond a doubt that she would do anything to make sure he came home safe.

"What do you want from us?" she asked, stepping out from behind Luther and Diego to stand nose-to-nose with Pepper. Pepper, for her part, didn't back down, just furrowed her brow in confusion. "Do you want money?"

Then, Pepper laughed. It wasn't mocking or cruel, either; it was genuine.

“Tony isn’t holding your brother for ransom,” she said, as if the mere thought was too ridiculous to even comprehend. “He’s a billionaire. Besides, no offense, but given the state Klaus was in when I met him, it didn’t really occur to me that he might be the brother of a famous actress.”

Five snorted, and Diego glared at him, still on the defensive. He pulled a knife from its sheath and held it in a clenched fist.

“Then what do you want with him,” he growled.

“You can put the knife down,” Pepper said, as calm as ever. “I don’t think you’ll like what will happen if you try to hurt me.” Diego didn’t budge, and she sighed. “Listen, nobody means any harm to him. Tony and Natasha brought him in, first and foremost, because he looked like he needed a doctor. He was completely covered in blood when we brought him in, and maybe this will come as a shock, but it wasn’t his own. They want to know what happened, and what the deal is with the briefcase he destroyed just before they picked him up.”

Five stepped forward with a wild look in his eyes.

“He destroyed a  _ briefcase _ ?” he asked, just about as sweetly as he could manage. Usually, his faux-child act brought down people’s defenses, but it seemed to have no effect on Pepper.

“From what I’ve heard, Natasha had an interesting encounter with a child with an umbrella tattoo back in the eighties, and my guess is that that would be you.” She didn’t even look phased at the idea that a kid who was thirteen in the 1980s could still look thirteen in 2019.

“You must be mistaken,” Five said. “I wasn’t born yet.”   


“Save the rest of your questions for Tony and Natasha,” Pepper said diplomatically as the elevator dinged and she stepped off.

-

Klaus almost cried tears of joy when his family arrived because there, behind Vanya, was Ben.

“Holy shit,” he said, voice trembling. Ben broke out from behind the group and came to stand beside Klaus. “I thought you were gone forever.”

“Sorry, I was on a date,” Ben said drily, and Klaus laughed tearfully. He reached his arms out for a hug before realizing, all over again, that Ben was incorporeal. He dropped his arms again, defeated, lower lip wobbling. “Oh, man, don’t cry. Where the hell were you, huh?”

“I guess ghosts can’t time travel, huh?”

“Klaus, who are you talking to?” Diego passed right through Ben and grabbed Klaus tightly by the shoulders, leaning in close to examine his face. “Are you okay?” Then with even more disbelief, “Are you….  _ sober _ ?!”

“Don’t act so surprised, darling,” Klaus said tearfully, and Diego pulled him in for a hug. Klaus shut his eyes and hugged back with all the energy left in his body.

“What happened?” Allison asked, stepping forward to hug him after Diego pulled away.

“It’s a long story. Let’s not talk about it right now.”

Natasha was staring at Five with narrowed eyes, but just as she opened her mouth to speak, Five beat her to it.

“Klaus, please tell me you didn’t destroy a briefcase,” he pleaded, and Klaus laughed.

“Yep, blew the piece of shit up,” he said, miming an explosion. Five stomped forward and grabbed Klaus by the collar roughly while his siblings protested on all sides.

“ _ Asshole, _ ” he hissed. “I needed that so I could get back and start over.”

“Well, I guess you’re stuck here like the rest of us,” Klaus said bitterly.

“You’re such an idiot. I needed a briefcase so I could stop the apocalypse.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Tony said, finally stepping into the conversation. “What do you  _ mean  _ the apocalypse.”

“Half of all life, destroyed in a day,” Five said, turning to stare Tony down. “You know anything that can do that?”

Tony shared a look with Pepper, which Klaus thought was strange. From what he had gathered, she wasn’t a part of the team that Tony was.

“You promised,” she said, voice heavy with warning. “You said no more surprises.”

“Well, in all fairness, honey, I can’t prevent the surprises if they’re surprises to me, too,” Tony said defensively. “God, it’s times like this that I wish that Thor had just taken the phone I tried to give him.” Everyone in the room stared back at him, and he finally sighed. “Okay. I think I know someone who might be able to tell us what’s going on.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Anyone else finding this place awfully familiar?” Diego grumbled, arms crossed over his chest defensively as they stood in front of the sanctum sanctorum.

“Just like coming home,” Klaus crowed, but his light tone didn’t match the haunted look that hadn’t left his face since Tony and Natasha had picked him up twelve hours earlier.

“I’m almost expecting Mom to answer the door,” Vanya said.

 _What an odd bunch_ , Tony thought. He knew that Natasha thought he was crazy for bringing them along, but they were clearly special in some way. _‘Yeah. Special,’_ Natasha had said incredulously as she watched Klaus talking to thin air. Natasha didn’t have much room to tell him what to do, though, after he had taken her back in after she’d betrayed him in Germany. She owed him.

Strange answered the door while Tony banged on it incessantly for the third time, and his face looked less than impressed.

“Stark,” he said.

“Strange,” Tony responded, pushing past him into the house. Strange rolled his eyes, but he stood back to let everyone else in nonetheless.

“This is lovely,” Klaus said, reaching out reverently to touch the cloak. It smacked his hand away, and Strange glowered at him, but he just grinned. “Whoa, cool! Where’d you get this?”

Strange ignored him and shut the door again.

“What do you want?” he asked Tony. Five stepped between them.

“I’m sure I can explain this better than him, so allow me. To put it simply, half of humanity will be turned to dust in two days unless we stop it. Dr. Stark believes you can help us stop it.”

“Oh, Christ. Don’t call me that,” Tony said, crinkling his nose. Five and Strange both ignored him.

“And you would be?” Strange asked. Five stuck his hand out to shake.

“Number Five; the pleasure is yours.”

“You work for the Temps Commission,” Strange said tensely. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I _worked_ for the Commission,” Five corrected. “What’s got you so on edge, huh?”

“Don’t worry about it. Stephen Strange.” Strange finally shook Five’s hand.

“You’re the keeper of the time stone,” Five realized aloud. His voice was awed, which was certainly unexpected. “I’m impressed. So, do you know anything capable of turning half the world to dust? Preferably, I’d like an answer before the Commission sends their goons after my family again.”

“Whoever wanted to do something like that would need the power of all six infinity stones,” Strange said thoughtfully, but before he could continue, the roof crashed in and a giant green monster fell through the stairs.

“Holy shit!” Klaus jumped almost a full foot in the air, and Diego grabbed his arm and clung to it. It would almost be amusing if they didn’t have bigger issues at hand. They all crowded around the hole in the stairs and looked down at a man lying amongst the rubble.

“Bruce?!” Tony asked softly, awestruck. “Where have you been?”

He jumped down to help Bruce up, and Bruce just stared at him with a look of absolute, unadulterated terror.

“Thanos is coming.”

Almost immediately, the whole room broke out in anxious chatter. Klaus shouted over everyone.

“Wait a tick, wait a tick, wait a tick!” he said. “Who is Thanos?”

“Who are these people?” Bruce asked Tony.

“Umbrella Academy,” Luther said in his Authority Voice. “We’re here to stop the apocalypse.”

Bruce stared at him incredulously.

“You’re huge,” he said, giving Luther a once-over. “Thanos is the person that just massacred Asgard. Thor is… Thor’s gone, Tony. Thanos took the space stone from Loki, and he has two of the infinity stones. He’s coming for the others.”

“Okay, great!” Five said. “Let’s stop him!”

“How do you plan on doing that, Five?” Luther asked incredulously. “I’m One, I should be in charge of the plan.”

“You know what, asshole?” Five raged. “You get so hung up on Dad’s fucking ranks that you forget that I know more about this than you ever will. It’s just a number. I’m in charge.”

“What the hell are you all talking about?” Strange asked. “Focus up. We need to know where the other stones are to even begin to fight this. I have the time stone here, so where are the other three?”

“Vision has the mind stone,” Bruce said. “Did you know that, Tony? Where is he now?”

“I don’t know,” Tony said, looking down.

“You don’t _know_ ,” Natasha asked incredulously. “How do you lose a robot, Tony?”

“He’s more than that, okay?!” Tony defended, and the Hargreeves siblings shared a look. This was all too familiar. “He’s evolving. He turned off his transponder two weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.”

“Okay, you two stop,” Strange interjected. “Who could find Vision?”

Tony sucked in a breath and looked away.

“Probably Steve Rogers,” he muttered, and Strange groaned.

“Great,” he said, and Bruce looked between them with his brow furrowed.

“So call him! We don’t have any time to waste!”

“Yeah, you missed some things after Ultron, buddy,” Tony said, clapping Bruce on the shoulder. “The Avengers are done. We broke up.”

“You broke up.” Bruce’s jaw slackened. “Like a band? Like the Beatles?”

 _Okay,_ Diego thought. _Is this just how all superhero teams turn out?_

“Cap and I fell out _hard_ ,” Tony said. “It’s over. We’re not on speaking terms.”

“Tony, Thor is gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn’t matter who you’re speaking to.”

Tony didn’t say anything, and Five butted in.

“I’m sorry, but what I’m hearing is that you’re going to let the world end over a fucking breakup?”

“You don’t understand,” Tony said, and Five glared at him.

“What I understand is that you’re behaving like a child. Would you man the hell up and call this Steve guy? Because I saw what happened when I travelled to the future, and it wasn’t pretty. We need all the help we can get.”

Tony sighed and pulled out the flip phone from his pocket. For the first time since Steve gave him the phone, he hit call.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short. enjoy!

“Tony?!” Steve’s voice crackled over the line, but the hope that saturated it was clear as day. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to see the film reel of his mother’s violent death all over again. His breaths came in short puffs, and Bruce placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Sure, Tony and Steve had bickered and even argued more than most couples, but that came with the terrain of being superheroes. They hadn’t truly _fought_ since that first day on the helicarrier. Bruce wondered what could have possibly happened between them to tear them apart like this.

“Hey, Cap,” Tony said, and he somehow made his voice smooth in spite of the panic in his eyes.

“Is everything alright?” Steve prompted when he didn’t continue.

“Just peachy,” Tony said bitterly. “That’s why I called you.”

“What happened with them, huh?” Klaus whispered to Maria while Tony continued his tense phone conversation and everyone else listened in. “Bedroom issues?”

“Steve’s friend, James Barnes, killed me and Tony’s dad,” Maria said, and Klaus’ eyes blew wide. “He was brainwashed, but Steve knew and kept it secret.”

“Holy shit,” Klaus hissed. “I’m not exactly an expert on healthy relationships, but that’s definitely not the kind of secret you keep from someone you love.”

“Who are you talking to, bro?” Diego turned to look analytically at Klaus.

“Tony’s mom,” he said, and there was a series of eye rolls from all around the room. Tony shot him a dirty look.

“Good going, buddy,” Ben said. “Great choice of words.”

“My mom is dead,” Tony said. “So thanks.”

“Look, Tony.” Steve sighed on the other end of the line, unable to hear the conversation going on on Tony’s end. “You have every right to be angry about your mom. I really am sorry, but can we talk about it like adults?”

“Maybe if you take your dick out of Bucky’s ass long enough to have a conversation,” Tony spat. “But I actually wasn’t talking to you.”

“Yeah, I know she’s dead,” Klaus said indignantly. “Jesus, it’s been well established that I can talk to ghosts, yet no one believes me when I say I’m talking to a ghost.”

Tony stared at him like he had grown a second head.

“Yeah, Cap, I’m gonna have to go. Just get to New York, and we’ll regroup at the tower.” He hung up the phone and stepped forward to face Klaus. Klaus held his hands up defensively.

“Whoa, man, I’m sorry,” he said.

“Is she really here?” Tony asked softly, and Klaus dropped his hands.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m sorry about what happened. Do you wanna talk to her?”

Before Tony could answer, chaos broke out outside. People started screaming, and when they looked, they could all see people running outside of the doors of the sanctum.

“Let’s go,” Strange said, and they all ran outside, but Diego stopped Klaus.

“Bro, you’re not ready to fight,” he said gently. “You’re gonna get hurt. Just stay here and be the lookout, okay?”

And then he ran off with the rest.

-

“Klaus,” Ben pleaded, and Klaus ignored him, pacing as he dug through his pockets. “You don’t have to do this, man. You’ve already made it through the hardest part!”

“I can’t do this,” Klaus said wildly, finally pulling a few loose pills from his jacket pocket. “I can’t conjure Dave, I can’t make anyone take me seriously, I can’t even help my own family fight. I wanna be numb.”

He popped the pills into his mouth, but before he could swallow them, he was punched in the face. The pills went flying, and Klaus looked up slowly to find Ben staring in awe at his own fist.

“Holy shit,” Klaus muttered, eyes blown wide. “How did you do that?”

“I didn’t,” Ben said. “You did. Do you think you could do it again?”

“I don’t know. Should I try punching _you_ in the face?”

Ben nodded and gestured to his face expectantly. Klaus shrugged and raised his arm to swing. It went right through, so he tried again, and again, and again. On the fifth try, though, his fist connected with Ben’s jaw with a _crack!_

“Shit,” Ben said, rubbing his jaw. “Well? What are you waiting for? Let’s go!”

“I always hated being lookout,” Klaus said, and he was already barreling down the street toward the fight.


	7. Chapter 7

“This isn’t going to work,” Diego said, and he sheathed his knives again. Luther tackled another alien to the ground, and Tony shot one with a repulsor blast, but both of them immediately got back up. “We need a new plan of attack.”

“Well, shit,” Tony said, breathless. “Squidward is chasing Strange, and Banner is useless against these assholes. Anyone hiding any fantastic powers they haven’t told me about?”

“I could try,” Vanya said quietly.

“Vanya, it’s not worth the risk. Your power isn’t stable yet,” Luther said.

“He’s right,” Allison agreed.

“Do you have a better idea?” Diego said defensively. “Because to be completely honest with you, I don’t see how it’s even safe for you to be here if you’re not planning on rumoring anyone.” Allison glared at him, but Five stepped between them before a fight could ensue.

“He has a point,” Five said, and then they were all distracted when a kid in a red suit swung through.

“Hey, Mr. Stark!” he yelled, and Tony spun around to face him as he landed.

“Kid, where did you come from?” Tony asked.

“Field trip! I’m here to help! What’s going on? Who are these people?” He pointed at Diego. “Hey, I know you!”

“These guys are here to help. The ugly ones are from space. They came to steal a necklace from a wizard.”

“Is that the wizard?” Peter pointed at Strange, and Tony confirmed. “Okay, I’m on it!”

“We need a plan, _now,_ ” Five reminded them as several aliens converged on them and the kid swung away. “We’re seriously understaffed.”

“I can help!”

They all turned, horrified, at the sweet, soft voice to see Klaus - scrawny, non-threatening Klaus - standing behind them.

“Does he even have a power?!” Tony asked incredulously. Diego glared at him and then walked toward Klaus to lead him away by the shoulder. Klaus shrugged him off.

“I told you to stay where it was safe,” Diego hissed.

“But I can help!” Klaus protested. “Just now, when you all left me alone feeling useless—which makes you a terrible brother, by the way—I was trying to pop some pills, but Ben punched me in the face! I had no idea, but I can make him corporeal! Turns out dear old dad was right about my potential and all that shit.”

Diego rolled his eyes, and the rest of the Hargreeves showed varying expressions of disapproval.

“That’s not funny, Klaus,” Luther said. “God, you’ll do anything for attention, won’t you?”

“I swear it’s true! Watch.” Klaus’ face scrunched up as he seemed to put all his effort toward doing whatever he was trying to do, but nothing happened, and the aliens were still coming. They all turned away, annoyed.

“I guess we’ll file him under ‘Performance Issues’ with Bruce,” Tony said. Before anyone else could say anything, though, Klaus practically screamed his exertion behind them, and then tentacles were shooting up into the sky and taking out the entire hoard of aliens.

“Holy shit!” And that was Ben’s voice, Diego thought, as he turned to stare in awe at his brothers. Indeed, there was Ben, and just as quickly as he had come, he was gone. The bodies of the remaining aliens collapsed to the ground, and Klaus fell to his knees as his siblings surrounded him and Tony watched with eyes blown wide.

“Who’s lookout now, bitch!” Klaus whooped, and Diego laughed.

“Ben can’t be too happy about this new development,” Allison said. “He never liked doing that when he was alive.”

“That guy was _dead_?” Tony asked.

“He says that it’s fine. He missed you all being able to look at that beautiful face,” Klaus said, laughing. “Okay, maybe not his exact words, but you get the gist.”

“Uh, Mr. Stark?!” A panicked voice came from Tony’s suit, and it sounded like the spider kid. “I don’t know what’s going on down there, but I’m on this ship, and it’s not coming down. They took the wizard, but it’s getting harder to breathe up here!”

“Shit, kid, I’m on my way.”


End file.
